Shhh while shagging on Valentines Day

By Luca Hughes Joshi

Valentine’s Day can be a sobering day for some. Not literally. For most of those sad, lonely creatures like yours truly, it turns out to be a big piss up. Some of us don’t spend the day with red roses, candlelit dinners, chocolate shaped hearts, sexual intercourse, and other soppy, clichéd “traditions”. 

The most female contact I’ve had on Valentine’s Day? Going for dinner with my grandma in a Lancashire restaurant in 2019. I cherish that moment so dearly I can remember the exact day it happened: the 14th February. And as far as this year is concerned, my Wednesday 11am oral class with my lecturer is looking like the most female interaction I will get (no that’s not an innuendo – I’m a languages student). At least being at university this year won’t remind me of schools’ woeful attempts to make everyone feel ‘included’ by insisting that everyone writes a Valentine’s card for well… everyone. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Even the fat kid. 

Anonymity. That’s another very significant issue. If you’re lucky enough to actually receive a card, you won’t know who it’s actually from. Is it from someone who actually has a crush on you, your great-aunt who feels sorry for you, or your middle-aged former athletics coach from back home who is 7 years into his 15-year prison sentence. No prizes for guessing his offence. Suffice to say, a card from your college crush, and one from “no-DBS” Dave would warrant very different reactions.

Penny for the thoughts of any poor single sods in Spags on Wednesday. A couple to the left of them snogging over spaghetti strands, whilst another on the right becoming sensual over a heart-shaped souffle. Some people. For those lonely, unwanted, unloved singletons, they will be feeling like the Falklands did in 1982. Attacked from all around. 

But anyway, I digress. As Valentine’s Day rears its ugly head for 2024, spare some consideration for that one lonely housemate of yours. And try to be quiet whilst shagging.

Image: La Citta Vita via Creative Commons